Leaving the gym tonight, Trainer asks how I’m feeling. “How am I supposed to feel!? My brain is eating itself.” Frustrated. Discouraged. Battle. Fighting for Control over my own body.
I just couldn’t keep up tonight at all. I couldn’t even hold some positions, let alone add weights. My ass still hurts from last night’s injection which made floor work difficult. I felt better engaging my abs and hovering instead of having my cheeks to the floor.
My pace was so slow and my form was shaky and unbalanced. My body was screaming against my brain’s orders like a defiant child. No wonder so many people with MS just roll over and cry for a year at a time. When you grunt and you push and you give it everything you’ve got and can’t make progress or even engage the muscles… Watching them twitch around… mocking me… Just… Horrible.
And then people feel they are being kind by giving you allowances because you’re different and they tell you it’s okay to stop and sit down. NO! I don’t want to sit down. I don’t want to stop! Maybe I can’t do everything that others are doing, but I’m not about to give up!
Do you realize the battle I’m fighting here against my body? Against the negativity? Against unknowns? Trying so hard to focus and keep it together and not yell and scream and cry and punch a wall?!!! Although the wall probably wouldn’t have much to worry about.
So many invisible tethers attached to my body are pulling me backwards faster than I can force out the forward momentum. When does it get easier again?
And then I look in the mirror and slap myself… SNAP OUT OF IT. You couldn’t walk! Remember??? This is still progress.
Oh and Raw Vegan Day 44. Going raw vegan is so much easier than dealing with MS.